Card Games
by MelovesAxel
Summary: Darren avoids preparing for the dangerous, life-threatening trials at Vampire Mountain, while trying to balance his complicated emotions. Does he love Kurda? Or is it Gavner he truly has feelings for?
1. Chapter 1

-1**Chapter One**

"Hey, Darren!" Shouted Gavner. I groaned I really couldn't be bothered getting into a debate about whether rabbit or bats taste nicer.

"Hey there," I sighed. To be honest these past couple of days, I hated the sight of him, his face with all his scars and his slightly bent nose. He's so hot, but I can't have him and it drives me mad, so I try and fool my self into thinking that I hate him and it just doesn't work. Maybe if it were just me and him I could make a move, but what with Larten being here too…I need a plan, something on the lines of feeding Larten to a bear and make out there was nothing that could be done and then get it on with Gavner, while pretending to be sad.

While out hunting for our next meal, I kept a look out for bears but didn't see any. But then I thought to my self, if I had the bear how would I get it to eat Creps?

While weighing up my options and deciding that maybe the best route to take would be to simply stab Larten in his sleep and throw him in a nearby river, I felt a shadow over me, it was the retched Creps with that gleeful smirk on his face.

"More soup Darren?" he asked.

"Why, yes please, Larten," I replied, "And while you're at it, old chum, put the kettle on."

"Is anything the matter Darren dear?"

Omg Mr Crepsley called me dear…do you think he has the hots for me… I better just play it cool.

"Oh you know, just the old hunting wound working up…I'll just walk it off for a while," I explained.

Yeah way to go Darren, you didn't at all play it cool. At that thought I bashed my head against a near by tree, I don't know why, but I just had that urge, like you do.

While I was walking off my non-existent wound, I could hear the concerned mutterings of Gavner and Larten.

"He seems to think he's an English duke or something…he's even bought himself a top hat and cane…" Larten said.

"Oh how concerning…" Gavner exclaimed. Gavner's concerned about me! YEAH!!!

"A couple of days sleep will do the boy good don't you think?"

"Yeah, as soon as we get to the nearest way station" Gavner suggested.

Hmm…maybe he thinks the next way station will be good for … intercourse… I agree with him there…wait I hate him…the bastard! I want to suck…rip his head off. I wonder what Gavner will look like in a French made suit, very kinky…stop it Darren, you fool, your talking about the guy you hate the most in the world.

I decided to go back to the camp, I couldn't hear them muttering anymore, but when I did I was in for a big surprise.

Mr Crepsley and Gavner were playing strip poker and did not invite me, how rude.

"Erm…Darren, this is not what it looks like…we…we…erm…were getting changed for bed and a pack of cards fell out of my pocket. Yeaaah!" he stuttered.

"What he is trying to say, if the reason we didn't invite you is that, we thought you were emotionally too young to play and we only have 25 cards. And you were walking off you 'hunting wound'" covered Gavner.

"Save it for the judge!" I screamed and stormed to my tent, appalled at the atrocity that had just taken place before my very eyes.

While I was in my tent, I remembered what Gavner had looked like naked…how he had a scar across his chest, and forgetting about how I hated him I had a little day dream about me, Gavner somewhere alone together, just the two of us. I HATE GAVNER!!! God…my mind can be confusing sometimes.

I was nearly asleep, I was counting sheep and had got to 922 and I always fall asleep at 1000, it's a rule, although Mr Crepsley and Gavner whispering … giggling had kept me awake. Anyway, when I was nearly asleep, Gavner kind of knocked on my tent which was weird as it is fabric.

"Psssst!! Darren, do you have a minute?" he said in a stage whisper.

"No! Go away!" I replied and turned over in a huff.

"But Darren I need to tell you something…" he muttered.

"Fine," I groaned, "Come in."

Gavner unzipped my tent and crawled inside. He lay beside me and I could feel the warmth of his body.

"Where's Larten?" I inquired.

"He's having a wash in a river…we got a bit messy…" Gavner admitted, going red. "And anyway," he quickly changed the subject, "Since when have you called him Larten?"

"Recently, I have felt that I am not treated like the adult I am. Although I still look like a child I am not and I deserve more respect - why should I call him Mr Crepsley, no-one else does!" I explained.

"That's what I came in to talk to you about." he smiled "We saw the hurt in your eyes and decided, that you can join our little night antics…would you like that Darren?"

I felt a flush of pride - I was finally being asked to join in with the 'adult' games…although it would be a bit weird playing them with Larten, I just had to accept that fact. But if there was some way to drug Creps and then it would be just swell.

"I'LL JOIN…I'll join you happily" I informed Gavner.

"Good, good," Gavner nodded. "Now… do you want to practice before _Larten _returns?"

"Yes."

"Well since we only have 25 cards, because _someone_, not naming any one…_Larten_…ate the cards, we kind of made a little card game up."

I understood completely what Gavner was telling me.

"Gavner, Gavner, oh young Gavner," I sighed, "You have much to learn, but don't worry. I will help."

"What?" Gavner frowned, "I've been playing these games since 1842. How have I got much to learn may I ask?"

"Well you need 51..."

"52" interrupted Gavner.

"…Cards to play a card game, you fool…but I will help old chum"

"Look, Darren, stop being so cocky or I will change my mind about this whole thing." he was getting annoyed now. Time for the WILD CARD!

"I'm…I…I'm sorry" I admitted. Although I didn't really mean it, it was all a lie just so I could be involved in these 'Games'.

"Well to play this game we get 5 cards each, leaving 10 cards in the middle." Gavner began, but I started crying.

"Darren? Darren what's the matter, is there anything you want to talk to me about?"

"It's just…Annie was 10. Once upon a time…" I broke down in a fit of tears. "But…there's something else that's been on my mind lately too…" I admitted.

"You can tell me anything, Darren," Gavner comforted. Aww bless his cotton socks.

"The thing I want to know most is…" I stopped could I really tell him my feelings? "I don't know what your shoe size is"

"10, you don't need to get your self worked up about my shoe size…come here you baby" he said as he embraced me. I breathed in his musky scent and sighed happily. Nothing could burst my bubble. Nothing!!!

Oh the irony, the sweet, sweet irony, for as I was thinking that my bubble was indeed burst. As for that thing, that awful retched ugly thing burst in to my tent…naked.

"Has anyone seen my underwear? I have seemed to miss placed them" asked Crepsley.

"Erm…sorry I'm wearing them" answered Gavner.

"Well do you mind giving me them back?" demanded Crepsley. At that note Gavner dropped me and went outside my tent.

"See you tomorrow, squirt" Gavner sang cheerfully, and the two went into Creps' tent…why??? Just as things were going my way, this happens!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Gavner and Larten were acting very lovey dovey the next day. They were like hugging each other; it drives me crazy to see Gavner in another man's arms. They even went for a walk into the forest, holding each others hands and picking flowers…and who knows what else. I know what you're thinking, you think that I dreamt this up…but I didn't. And then they didn't invite me to play card games! I think they regret asking me to join them in the first place. Its not like, anyone likes me in the first place.

"See me naked, you're a traitor, pubic hair" I hummed to myself

"He's barking mad," exclaimed Creps to Gavner.

"Do not talk so loud, I think he knows about our secret organisation," Gavner muttered. Well I didn't, but thank you Gavner for telling me.

"I DIDN'T KNOW, BUT NOW I DO, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR HURTING ME…JUST…JUST…JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shouted at him, and on that note I stormed of, to the river side, to clear my head.

Meanwhile, Gavner and Larten got down and dirty. They were getting some potatoes, out of the ground, for our tea. You probably thought they were up to something, you disgusting person.

I was determined not to return to camp until Larten and Gav were forced to come and apologise, but it was getting late and I really needed a wee wee and I was hungry and I love potatoes, so I returned.

"You've only been gone 20 minutes, boy," Gavner complained on my return. Well!

"You could have at least been there for a good hour, but you had to return and make our lives a misery," commented Creps.

"Yeah, well, I hate you and you won't even notice when I die!" I screamed and ran away again.

10 minutes later I was crawling back, and got more hassle from the stupid boys who I had to look at because they don't understand my toils.

"10 minutes you were gone…only 10, your getting worse," moaned Gavner

"FUUUUUUUUUCK YOU," I screamed once more…although this time I did not storm off, in fact I just sat on the ground and turned my back on the two.

"Potato and leak soup?" asked Creps

"YE…y…e…s" I stuttered, I'd never noticed how sexy Creps is in the moon light.

dancing in the moonlight, everybody, feeling warm and bright

What am I thinking, I like Gavner not Larten. In fact, I don't like any of them. They are both fat.

We had nearly arrived at Vampire Mountain. I couldn't wait until we got there. Only a week more to go. I was counting the seconds. "172385374259387, 172385374259386, 172385374259385…" I counted to my self. "172000000000000"

"SHUT UP WILL YOU!!!" interrupted Gavner. What is HIS problem? I can't believe I use to dream about him…his soft, greasy hair…his fat stomach…his lice…SNAP OUT OF IT DARREN! Damn, I still like him!!!! After all this time of tricking myself into not liking him, I still do.

"It's nearly dawn, we should set up camp in this way station here" proclaimed Creps

"But I don't like coffins," I moaned

"Well go fuuuuck off and sleep in a tree" shouted Gavner

"Fine I will!!" and once again I stormed off.

But I didn't go to the tree. Oh no. Not me. I felt bad about infuriating poor Larten and Gavner – they only want sex! I decided to make it up for them – the old fashioned way.

They were in for a surprise when they woke up!!!

"MORNING! Well it's really night time, oh just frig it!" I said while waking up Gavner and Larten.

"What have you done?" asked Creps.

"Just a little spring clean is all!" Shouted I.

"What. The. Fuck." Gavner muttered.

"Now now, mind your language in front of the child!" I reminded him. I don't want to pick up bad habits now!

Gavner just stared at me puzzled and then sighed and went back to sleep.

"So you think a spring clean, is where you change your master's clothes and tie his hair in pink ribbons while he is asleep?" asked Creps.

"I knew you would liked it" I said smiling to my self

"Darren." Larten began, and then sighed. He looked bewildered. "Darren, you are a mystery."

I frowned. "You do like it, don't you?" I asked. "Well…" he began. "Of course I do. Do you mind if I go back to sleep now?"

"No, you go to sleep now; I just have to do the same to Gavner"

"Darren…oh never mind, you go do what you want to do" and on that note he turned his back on me and went back to sleep.

I tiptoed over to Gavner, but when I turned him over to do it, I saw he was wide awake, and smiling in a very odd way. I didn't know what to do, so just whispered- "Hi."

"Come here and sit in my coffin" hinted Gavner.

I did what he said and clambered into his coffin, he was being nice to me. He had been really grumpy these past couple of days and he got a habit of swearing a lot, mostly towards me, but right here and now he was being nice and I couldn't help but smile.

"Darren," Gavner whispered his breath tickly against my ear. "Darren…"

The suspense was antagonising.

Larten started snoring again, and then Gavner stroked my hair. PUBIC HAIR.

"Let's play a little game" laughed Gavner, reaching down into my trousers. I felt my heart beating faster and faster. I was sure it would explode. Sweat was pouring down my forehead. Was I dreaming, or was this really happening?

"A game of cards" and at that moment he pulled the pack of cards out of my pocket.

"Ok…" I muttered. My face had gone red. I didn't trust myself to speak.

"Gav…ner" I blurted out.

"Yes?" he said while moving his eye-brows up and down.

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, I do" he sighed.

"That's how I felt when I first laid my eyes on you." I told him, instantly regretting it.

My face went into a deeper shade of red, as Gavner took his time looking and staring at me. My heart beat, once again, went above average speed. My head was pounding, my eye sight blurred and then total black out.

I woke in Gavner's arms. Joy! Joy! I am finally accepted by him as an actual human being/half vampire. Larten was nearby, sobbing. Gavner's face lit up when my eyes opened. "Where am I?" I muttered, because that's what you're meant to say but I knew where I was.

"Just take it easy, little one" said Gavner calmly bending over to my ear.

"I love you too" he whispered.

Then he picked me up and took me to his coffin and I slept.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

We got to Vampire Mountain 2 weeks later. We had to go slower than before because Gavner was carrying me most of the way but I loved every second of it. Being near his muscular body and that smell of his manly sweat. It was just heavenly. Larten kept giving us evil looks but I had my man and didn't care.

"This is Vampire Mountain!" proclaimed Creps

"I thought that it would look a bit better than just a cave" I said

"Don't judge a book by its cover" reminded Gavner. I giggled and we kissed passionately. Larten rolled his eyes.

"Come on we best get you some new clothes" said Gavner hoisting me back on his back. "I'll help you change into them." He raised his eyebrows up and down suggestively. I went hard. But that went as quickly as it came…maybe I'm having problems. I think I've been doing too much vallium lately.

"GAVNER" shouted some blonde haired freak, as soon as he said it Gavner put me down and ran over to him and gave him a great big hug. I immediately walked over to Gavner, crossed my arms and tapped my foot. "Who's this then?" I asked.

"This is my old lover, Kurda" he said pointing to Kurda.

"Old? What do you mean old?" shouted Kurda. He seems to shout a lot.

"He's my lover now!" I said sticking my tongue out at him, how grown up of me.

"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed the so-called Kurda. "YOU DUMPED ME FOR A CHILD? YOU PEDOFILE!!!"

"That's me," grinned Gavner.

"WHAT??????? WHAT????" cried Kurda, tears streaming down his face. I really felt sorry for him, he looked like a 5 year old who dropped their ice-cream, and you just can't help but go aww.

What is Gavner's thing about children?

Anyway, I asked Gavner to leave so I could speak to Kurda. Alone.

"What more do you want? You've took my true love," cried Kurda

"I just want to explain," I sighed. "I hope this little misunderstanding won't affect our friendship. And I honestly didn't know about you until just now."

"It wont, maybe making some maps will help me get back on my feet…care to join me?" asked Kurda.

"I would like that very much," I grinned.

Map making has always been one of my passions, as well as picking flowers and making model elephants. You know, those ones where you have to glue it together and it comes in 5 levels.

Anyway it was just me and him, he is really interesting. He knows some very intriguing things. It was so engaging.

"So what's your name?" asked Kurda

"Darren of the Shan" I informed him

"Well, Darren of the Shan, care to join me on a quick tour of the mountain?" he suggested.

"Wouldn't mind if I do" I sang, joyously. I was already making friends!

He took me by the hand, and we skipped away. The first place we visited was the food hall of Kurten Lurt or something like this. I wasn't really listening to Kurda to be honest. I was too busy looking at his, lovely shinny locks…I wonder what shampoo he uses, it must be good. At that minute Gavner walked in. He coughed, went red, and muttered "Kurda…I've got some more of your …shampoo…" Kurda too went red. "Thank you Gavvy...I mean Gavner…" he murmured. And Gavner left.

Kurda held both of my hands and knelt down.

"Darren, do you want to see something extra special?" he asked me, and his blue eyes sparkled.

My stomach somersaulted. What was Kurda saying…could I…see his shampoo???

Oh. My. God.

"Do you want to see the hall of death?" he asked. I was slightly disappointed; I was looking forward to seeing his shampoo. But I just smiled and nodded.

"Come on then!" Kurda grinned, and skipped off. I just stood there like a clay pot. A clay pot that I made in year 4 for my mother and she just threw it at my father. I don't think she liked it…I mean come on I was only 8, it's not like I was going to be good at making pots.

But now I am 25. I have developed mentally but not physically. Anyway, I was thinking all this for about 7 minutes and 56 seconds, and Kurda was gone.

I was abandoned, completely alone, no one in sight, tumble weeds blowing across the floor, ALONE.

"Why!" I screamed. "Why have you left me alone!?"

"DARREN! I have got some thing for us to try!" Shouted Gavner.

"Piss off." I said. "I am alone."

"But…" Gavner started.

"No ifs, no buts, child benefit fraud is a crime…now kindly leave me alone, so I can look like a loner." I said.

"I understand." Gavner said, soothingly. "I understand that at your age there are hormones flying everywhere and you still don't know completely who you are. I understand that there are times when you want to be alone. I understand all this completely. But when you feel ready to talk I'll be waiting. I don't care how long it takes, one hour, one day, one week, one year. 20 years. I don't care. I'll wait for you Darren. Do you know why I will wait? I'll wait because I love you Darren. And I hope you understand this, just as I understand your sensitivity and confusion." And, with a tear in his eye, Gavner left.

Then I decided it was best to take my clothes off, since I have never really like wearing clothes, I feel so free without them. YES NO CHAFFING FOR THE SHANSTER.

Then Kurda returned. He asked me where I was, and then looked at my naked body. He went red and asked if I wanted him to leave. But I didn't. I don't know how to say this but I think I may be in love with KS (no not DS! That's my initials!). I don't like Gavner any more…I prefer to have a man, I can't have, it's best that way. I love all the chasing and the little sex sessions we have to hide from the world.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Kurda is good in bed. And he is very handsome. He is the best lover I've ever had. Including Steve Leonard.

Well, ok, I haven't actually slept with Kurda yet. Or anyone for that matter. But it doesn't matter. I _will_ lose my virginity to Kurda Smahlt. He's hot and has a large bulge in his skinny jeans…so do I (coz I put socks in my pants you see).

But…Gavner…he'll be devastated that his two ex lovers are getting together…hmm… maybe I could get Gavner another boyfriend, to take his mind off me. I mean, I'm hot, and it will be hard for him to get over me.

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy I need too take all my clothes off.

Glad I've got that out of my system.

"Erm…Darren" interrupted Crepsley. He had to come when I was prancing around naked, as I always do at 5:30 on a Friday.

"WHAT?!?" I shouted.

"Well, I was just wondering whether I could borrow…"

"NO!" I screamed and ran out, giggling.

"But Darren…"

"What do you want?" I sighed.

Now it was Larten's turn to do the giggling. "Hehe," he giggled. "I don't want anything; I just wanted to see you naked."

"You see me naked all the time."

"Oh…but Darren, you see" he started, stepping towards me with that grin on his face. "I've never truly enjoyed it, till now"

He came towards my face and spat. I frowned. He smiled. I raised an eyebrow. He licked his lips. I bit my tongue. He closed his eyes.

"Ok, ok, I can't bear the tension any longer." I said. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Oh nothing" he sang. "Just having a little fun, is that so wrong, Darren Shan" he said raising his eye brow.

I started to sweat. Was he going to rape me? I don't want to have sex with him! Help me, help me God!

Just at that moment, my savoir burst into the room.

"What are you doing to that poor boy, Crepsley?" said this dude, with long black hair, he looked really depressed.

"As I said to the boy, nothing Mika" he said squeezing my arse.

"Do you mind if I join?" Mika asked.

"Well…I suppose I have no choice, as you are a Prince." Larten smiled. I gulped. Mika came into the room and shut the door behind him. He had a bulge in his pants, a rather lop-sided bulge admittedly but there non-the-less.

"Don't worry, this wont hurt, much" laughed Mika, reaching into his pants.

I screamed.

He pulled out a very phallic object…just to the point where it was visible, Kurda burst through the door. Mika and Crepsley sighed.

"I heard a scream, so I came as fast as I could" he turned towards me "DARREN!!" he screamed.

And on that note he picked my naked self up, swung me over his shoulders and ran down the corridors.

"Kurda." I said when we had reached a safe place. "Thank you for rescuing me back then. My mentor and that freak were trying to do horrible things to me. I dread to think what could have happened if you hadn't saved the day."

"I know what they would do to you…"he started to cry, "As they have done horrible things to me too."

I felt shocked. "Kurda?" I whispered. "Kurda, I know you've been through a lot but don't worry, I'll always be here for you." And we laid down on his bed and sobbed.

About an hour later, I realised that I should probably be getting back to Larten…don't want to anger him now, do I?

"Kurda, what time is it?" I asked.

Kurda looked at his watch. "It's quarter to 8."

I jumped up with a start. "I have to get back!" I shouted.

"I lied." Kurda smiled. "Its 7:45." He had a cheeky smile on his face.

"Oh ok," I nodded, and snuggled back up to Kurda.

"Darren?" he giggled.

"Yes?

"Quarter to eight and 7:45 are the same time"

"Oh shit" I shouted, as accidentally standing on his foot, I ran for the door.

"Darren," Kurda called.

I turned to look at him.

"Darren…" He started shaking. "Don't leave me. They usually come for me at night...I'm scared Darren."

I thought about it. If I went back, Larten would probably rape me. Whereas, if I stayed, Kurda and I would cuddle and I could go out with him and finally lose my virginity!

So I finally decided…I would go back and get raped by Crepsley.

I took me a good 10 minutes to get back to my room, and when I did, Larten was sitting, stark naked on his coffin. And then he raped me.

"Stop, please stop!" I cried as he thrusted him self into me.

"Why should I?" He laughed groping me.

When he was done, he tossed me aside and said "If you don't mind, I would like to sleep uninterrupted tonight in my coffin." I was a quivering wreck on the floor. My mentor, my friend, my Larten. He used and abused me. He took my virginity and tossed me aside. He no longer cared for me. I felt betrayed. Plus my anus was sore.

That night I cried myself to sleep, even though Crepsley told me not to interrupt his sleep, I did.

**AN: Sorry this chapter went a bit grim; it will be back to its humorous self the next chapter. PLEASE review. PLEASE.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Get up boy!" shouted Crepsley "We're off to meet the rest of the princes."

I looked at my mentor, his scar showing his bravery, his crop of orange hair looking rather luminous, his thin lips curling into a smile. I thought of what he did last night and wondered if I'd ever see him the same way.

"Come on" moaned Crepsley, grabbing my hand and hauling me up.

"Look, I'm sorry what happened last night, it's just sometimes a man has his urges." He began "Look I'll never speak of this again" he promised.

15 minutes later…

"Hey Creps, where were you last night?" shouted a one eyed vampire we passed, as we down the corridor.

"I fucked a bug against a wall last night" He replied. I gave him evils.

"So, Darren." The one eye freak said, walking up to me. "You're naked?"

I nodded. "See me naked, you're a traitor, pubic hair." I sang. You see I have to make a good first impression of being a normal boy.

"Just find your way out" The one eyed vampire sang after. "Oh anyway, I was here to give you theses, as Mika gave them to Paris who gave it to Arra, who gave it to Cyrus, but Cyrus was too depressed to give them to anyone, so then I got the job of giving them to you….Darren Shan" he explained.

"WHAT are they?" I screamed.

"There called clothes…every normal person wears them."

"Ugh!" I grunted, pulling on the clothes I was given. They were itchy and uncomfortable. I hate wearing clothes.

"Darren Shan." An old man screamed. "I AM PARIS SKYLE."

"I understand." I responded, nodding sympathetically.

"I am one of the 4 vampire princes." He explained. "Arrow is another and so is Mika…but I believe you have already met."

Mika winked at me.

"But…" I stuttered. "What about the 4th?"

"The 4th is a tramp called Vancha…Vancha March" Paris informed me.

"But like…where is he?" I asked

"Not here, that's for sure" he said annoyed.

"Ok doke, I have met you all, can I go now?" I turned and started to walk

"NO!" shouted all 3 princes and Mr.Crepsley in unison.

"Larten, you're really irresponsible for blooding this little boy." Arrow said. "Why did you do it?"

"I dunno…" replied Larten.

"Well, he has to prove himself worthy…the trials of initiation!" Paris Screamed.

"NO!" objected a very loud Kurda. "I WON'T HAVE IT. HE'S JUST A BOY."

"Fuck off Kurda," replied Mika, "Or I'll fuck you off."

Kurda whimpered and ran away.

"MIKA! I will not allow you to make sexual comments in this meeting" Screamed Paris once again…he really has a habit of doing so.

"I'm sorry" Mika apologized putting his head in shame.

"Anyway…Darren of the Shan you must face the trials of initiation" Informed Arrow…the freak bald one with arrows tattooed on his head. I mean what was he thinking?

"NO! NOT THE TRIALS OF INITIATION!" screamed Kurda for the back.

"That does it…Kurda I'm coming to get you arse right now." Mika said getting out of his chair. Kurda squealed. Mika laughed. Kurda hid. Mika stepped down from the stand. Kurda screamed. Mika ran. Kurda hid behind Cyrus.

"ENOUGH!" Paris Screamed. "Sit back down Mika"

"I'll get you white boy" Mika said pointing at Kurda, walking back to his seat.

"Anyway…" someone … Gavner…muttered. "What about my Darren? Are we to choose his trials now?"

"Why not?" Arrow muttered. He reached behind his chair and pulled out a top hat. "Here, Darren, pick a trial." He told me. I closed my eyes and pulled out a trial.

"The one where I'm in a water maze with a rock tied to my ankle." I read off the card. "Cool." Exclaimed Paris, for once he isn't screaming.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Kurda from the back. You could see Mika getting all annoyed.

"Will you shut the fuck up, if you say one more thing, I am going to fuck you up so good, it will make you cry."

"HE'S JUST A BOY, A MERE CHILD!" Shouted Kurda

"RIGHT!!!" Mika shouted back at Kurda

"Wait until after the meeting" Arrow said restraining him "And give him a good spank from me" he laughed

I felt so bad for Kurda that I just had to do something. I couldn't leave him to be tormented by these bullies.

"NO!" I stood up, screaming. "DON'T HARRASS MY KURDA!" and with that I ran over to Kurda and we skipped off into the sunset.

You should have seen Gavner's face. He finally knows the truth about Kurda and I.

After our little skipping session, we headed back to the food place, to get some food, as we were all so very hungry after skipping.

"Darren can I have a word with you?" it was Gavner.

"God no!" I shouted at him.

"But…"He started

"Fine, see that fat man over there" He nodded "I'll be over there in 10 minutes, right now I am hungry and Kurda is getting me lunch"

"Alright then" he sulked.

Kurda returned with 2 trays with bat broth on toast. "Kurda." I said, "I am confused."

Kurda frowned. "What are you confused about young Shan?" he asked.

"Us." I said. "Are we just friends…or are we something more?"

"Darren, you nice and all but your just a kid…you see, I'm already taken" he told me.

"Oh…" sighed I "Taken by whom?"

"Mika of course" he laughed

"WHAT?? MIKA??" I said shocked.

"Well, I know it may not look like it and he did used to rape me, but he has grown on me"

"I'M BORED!" I screamed and ran of, hurt by the truth.

"Darren.." Gavner said reaching for my arm.

"Leave me alone" I said with tears streaming down my face at an alarming rate.

All I did was run, run far away as possible, all those times I spent with Kurda, where they all a lie? Did they mean anything to him?

No.

I realised someone was running after me. I stopped to see who it was . Gavner. "DARREN!" he screamed. "Fucknig wait for me!"

"Fucknig?" I frowned.

"Ooh, sorry, typo, I mean fucking." He explained.

"Ah." I nodded.

"Darren, are you alright my sweet, I saw you crying and so I wondered what was the matter"

"You're a little nosey thing aren't you?" I moaned

"Darren, I'm only here to help" he sighed

"I don't need your help!" I screamed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

**DISCLAIMER**

**I doubt you think im Darren shan but just in case there's any confusion…I'm not. **

I hate Gavner. I hate Kurda. I hate Larten. I hate Mika. I hate fall out Boy. I hate disclaimers. I hate you all.

FOB is what I call fall out Boy sometimes. Sneaky huh?

"DAAAAAAAAAAAREN!!" shouted someone, from behind my door.

"Go away, cant you see I'm trying to make people feel sorry for me?" I repiled to the mystery person…its probably Gavner it always is.

"It's me Cyrus" he explained.

"Whatever." I yawned, and set to work getting my revenge on those who had hurt me.

I made some voodoo dolls of Gavner, Kurda, Larten, Mika and FOB and stuck pins in them! HAHAHA! What a sneaky way to get my own back. I feel so sneaky today.

"DAAAAAAREN!!" cried 'Cyrus' once again.

"WHAT?" I shouted

"Vanez told me to get you, so you can start training for your first trial" he told me.

"Golly!" I shouted. "Is it 10:00 already? Why, how time flies when you're having fun! I'll be there in just a minute!"

I quickly got dressed and opened the door but when I did…there was no-one there…I never will know whether it really was the mysterious Cyrus or some other randomer.

On the way down, I passed Kurda and Mika holding hands. THAT BITCH. As always I kept my man hood, by crying when I was around the corner.

"Darren, are you ok?" asked Kurda

"Oh you know, the old hunting wound is playing up" I desperately covered.

"Ah." Mika snarled. "Well then. We'll just be going back to my room. We have _games _to play."

Kurda giggled. "Bye then Darren!" He cheerfully smiled. I nodded at him.

I stormed of, trying to hide myself from the truth that Kurda doesn't love me.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Darren you're here" sighed Vanez.

"Yes, yes. This may disappoint you but the mighty Darren Shan is here…DEAL WITH IT BITCH"

You may have thought this was me screaming this but it wasn't. It was…GAVNER!

"Gavner?" I said, astonished. "You read my line."

"No, no young Darren. I did not. That was my line. I am here to tell you…I love you. Please forgive me, Darren. Please!" He got down onto his knees and begged me.

I went hard.

"I will only go back to you…if…erm…YOU MARRY ME"

"But…Darren…" he started.

"NO IFS NO BUTS, CHILD BENEFET FRAUD IS A CRIME…How many times do I have to tell you?" I interrupted

"I'm sorry, but if we were going to get married who would wear the dress?" he asked.

"Why I would!" I answered, rolling my eyes.

"But Darren, you know that marriage is not the way of the vampires." He tits and moi… I mean said.

"Well, nor is gay paedophilia." I pointed out. "But this does not stop the great Gavner. Or Mika. Or Larten. But it stops Kurda. So what are you Gavner? Are you a brave Mika or Larten? Or a wimpy girly Kurda?"

"Actually!" A voice boomed at the door "I am not a wimp! For Mika and I are getting married!"

"Well…Darren and I were going to get married first!" Gavner yelled back at his ex-lover.

"I cant wait to pick out my dress" Kurda giggled and ran off.

Gavner got down on one knee and held my hand.

"Darren, will you marry me?" he asked

"No." I said

"DARREN??"

"Oh I'm sorry, I was talking to Cyrus, and I didn't want him as the ring bearer" I explained. "Of course I will marry you" I smiled.

Gavner jumped up and down. "HE SAID YES!" He screamed. "HE'LL MARRY ME!"

"Ok…" said an embarrassed looking Vanez. "Well, as for your training Darren…"

"I will do it tomorrow, I promise…I'm off to celebrate, by the way you're not invited to the wedding"

"WHHHHHHY?" Vanez cried.

"Only joking, but you have to sit at the back" I laughed

"Errrm…ok." Vanez frowned.

"Well, cya later!" I cried.  
"Darren, wait, your training! You have to do it now! There's no other time!"

But I was already gone.



It was 9:42pm.

"Darren!" cried Vanez through the crowd of people celebrating my engagement.

"WHAT? I CANT HEAR YOU, THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD" I shouted while dancing with Gavner

"YOUR TRAINING" he shouted getting knocked down by the part animal Paris.

Suddenly I felt this huge tug on my shirt and I was pulled from the room and lifted over someone's shoulder.

Larten.

"Put me down you beast!" I cried playfully.

But the look in his eyes was not playful.

"Oh god." I said. "Please don't rape me again."

"Shut your trap and wait till we get to the games hall"

"Is this about my training?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" he shouted, I was scared.

When we got to the games hall it was empty. He threw me on the floor, and I looked at him with confusion in my eyes.

"YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?" He screeched.

"Well…yeah?" I frowned. Point out the obvious. I mean, there was a massive banner 'Gavner and Darren are getting married!' Do you know what else points out the obvious? Disclaimers. Damn them to hell!

"By George, by Jove, by Jeeves" gasped Crepsley, Mr. Crepsley.

"What?" I said slightly confused.

"I HATE YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE YOU"

"That's not nice."

He grabbed my shoulders and started to dig his nails into my flesh.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU" he started to cry, a bit strange I know.

"I HATE YOU!" He screamed. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

"Alrighty." I grinned.

"I HATE YOU!" he screamed. He wacked me in the face. Blood fell from my nose. He didn't stop. He hit me again and again and again. I started to cry. He still hit me. Everything started to spin. I passed out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"I hate you, boy." Mr Crepsley seems to enjoy saying.

"STOP IT" I cried, pushing him off me "What's your problem?" at this point tear soaked my t-shirt, I was in a right state.

"You can't marry him!" he shouted. "You just can't."

"Why?" I queried.

"Well…you just cant." He said shiftily.

"But why not!" I shouted.

"Because I love you!"

I went hard.

He grabbed my arm pulling me towards me, kissing me softly on the lips. I giggled.

"I love you, boy." He said again.

"What happened to you hating me?" I inquired.

"That was just a cover-up." He said, bobbing/nodding, grinning and sticking his chin out as if this made him the coolest thing ever.

He grabbed my hips and once again, I was in his hands. He pulled up my t-shirt and lightly caressed my bottom cheeks.

I was quite shocked at what was happening, it was very sudden, but I decided just to go with the flow.

Mr Crepsley ripped his clothes off, while saying "Phwa!" and walking towards me. He was very hairy. It made me feel insecure, as I was lacking of hair in that department. I wondered whether it was too late to back out.

"Larten, I'm not sure I can do this." I muttered. "I'm not as…developed as you are."

Larten laughed. "Why, boy, I have seen you naked many a time. Do not worry."

"Well this is true, as I am not one for the wearing of clothes"

With a quick click of my fingers, my clothes were off…I have had practice you see.

Larten grinned.

After 12 whole minutes, the deed was done…I had an affair.

We were still naked when Gavner walked in!!

"Darren!" He shouted. "What has been going on here?"

"Errrm…" I began.

"We were just going for a shower, yes, boy." Larten said comfortably. "We dislike getting undressed there so decided to get undressed here instead!"



"Ah, good plan." Said Gavner. "I hate getting undressed in the showers too. My clothes always get wet. May I join you?"

"Yes you may join us, I would really like that" I told Gavner giving him a little wink. Larten gave me evils. I looked scared. Larten smiled to reassure me.

Anyway, we had showers. We then went to the hall of Kurten Lurt/whatever it's called, and ate. I had some eggy bread. Mmm. I love eggy bread, unlike disclaimers.

"DARREN!" Some freak screamed. I sighed – I knew who it was. "YOUR TRAINING!" I looked up to see one-eye.

"You'll fail the task if you don't train!" he shouted.

"Yes, yes." I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I'll do whatever training I can't get out of."

"DARREN!" Some other freak screamed. I sighed, I knew who it was. "YOUR TRIAL IS TODAY! THERE'S NO TIME FOR TRAINING!" I looked up to see blondie (Kurda.)

"Oh no!" I said, sarcastically. "What will I do without training?"

"Don't mock the training." Vanez warned. "You may not come out alive."

But I was already gone.

Kurda had grabbed my hand and pulled me down to the hall where my trial was being held.

"DARREN…" shouted the one and only one eyed vampire.

"FOR FUCK SAKE…WHAT THIS TIME?" I replied

"Take my advice…and just find your way out…don't think about anything, just find your way out, don't panic, just find your way out, don't get horny, just find your way out, don't think about not getting out, just find your way out…"

10 minutes later

"…Just remember find your way out"

"I understand." I nodded. "Oh shit!" I looked around me – there was already water up to my neck.

I started to panic.

"What should I do? What was it one-eye said…"

"Find your way out!" his voice echoed.

"I KNOW!" I screamed. "I must – FIND MY WAY OUT!"

"Well obviously." One-eye rolled his eye. His only eye.

And that note I took off down the maze chanting one-eyes words in song format.



Anyway. I nearly drowned. But – and oh, what a surprise – I survived. Well we didn't see that coming did we?

"Darren!" Gavner screamed. "I thought you'd drowned."

"Don't lie." Kurda said. "You knew he was going to nearly die but at the last minute miraculously survive."

"Well…it was very obvious," Gavner nodded.

"Oh bugger, when I came out, I was supposed to look happy or say something or other…what was it now?...why are you all on the beach, your going to sizzle up…and then I was supposed to faint"

I fainted.

"NO!" Screamed Gavner.

"Gavner, calm down. He's not going to die. Until book 12, and then he'll come back as a little person and scare his young self away, and then he'll be 'going going gone' and everyone will be annoyed at this shit ending." Kurda reassured Gavner.

"He's going to die in book 12?" Gavner screamed.

"Stop screaming!" Kurda groaned. "You're gonna die at the end of book 5."

"Oh." Gavner said. "What book are we on now?"

"Five."

"Oh." Gavner said again.

When I woke, I was delighted to see Crepsley's lovely face peering over the top of me.

"IM ALIVE" I shouted hugging Larten

"Get off me you bug"

"But…I thought you loved me?"

"No longer…my one true love Arra is back" and he skipped off leaving me alone in a room unfamiliar to me.

"Now, young Darren." Said a mysterious person who's face I could not see. "It is time."

"Time for what!" I screamed.

"TRAINING!" They shouted.

Oh god. Not one-eye.

"Please, call me Vanez." One-eye said.

"No." I replied.

"I find one-eye offensive." He pleaded.

"Oh go away." I said. "I haven't even picked my next trial yet. So ha. You can't make me train."

"Well actually it has been picked…by the one and only Cyrus…it's stalagmites Darren STALAGMITES!!" He screamed at me.

"Go away, please leave me alone, you're the only person in the mountain I truly hate"

I saw the hurt in his eye…yes eye HAHAHA…I kind of felt sorry for him. I saw a tear.

"I didn't mean it" I sighed



"Good, training starts tomorrow" he smiled and ran off to his favourite place…the games hall.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Why am I being played by that darn retched man" Crepsley moaned "I am far more slim and handsome than he will ever be"

"Will you shut up, I am trying to find out what body shape I am…ah I am pear shape is that good or bad...I think good" I shouted.

I put the magazine down and looked at Crepsley he was pacing back and forth.

"Lets see what shape you are!" I suggested. "Do you have a big bum?"

"I don't think I do… what do you think?" Larten frowned.

"I don't even think you have a bum." I said, rolling my eyes. "Second question: what bra size are you?"

"A… no wait, double A." He stuttered.

"Have you got long legs?" I quizzed.

"Why yes very long" He said smugly. Just because my legs are like stumps…

"Last question. Do you have a flat stomach?"

"Flat as a pancake."

I quickly added up his scores to find the result.

"HAHA!" I laughed. "You are a pencil. I am a pear. Pears beat pencils."

"That damn John C Reilly is more of a Ball Shape than pencil like me… how dare he be cast my part."

"Urgh, I have had enough of you and your rant, I'm going to play with Harkat, even though he hasn't been in the story so far...I WILL quote I WILL FIND HIM" I proclaimed, storming out of the room.

But I hadn't got so far as to see Harkat Mulds when Kurda Smahlt came down the corridor, tears streaming down his face. He barged (yes barged) right past me and ran into his room. I followed him and saw him flop down onto his bed.

"WHY!!" he screamed. "WHY DID MIKA HAVE AN AFFAIR?"

I felt so bad. I needed a way to cheer him up. Then it came to me.

"SOUP!" I shouted.

"Wh…a...t...t…t?" Kurda said snivelling into his sleeve.

"We are going to make soup…stay there" I said leaping out of the room and zooming down the corridor.

On my way down the corridor I bumped into Cyrus. He cried when I barged into him. I ran into mine and Crepsley's room.

"Darren, do you think I'm as fat as John C Reilly?" he asked, looking in the mirror.

"Can't stop to chat." I shouted. "Much as a little gossip would be fun. I am making soup!!"

Mr Crepsley's eyes filled with rage. Disgust was all over his face. "SOUP!" He screamed. "IN MY HOUSE?? Never."

"1) This isn't your house. 2) You made soup the other day and might I say, it was delectable. And 3) I'm going to Kurda's to make it." And with that and several leeks in my arms, I skipped off.

On my way back up the corridor I previously just went down, I once again saw Cyrus, but this time he was in a clump on the floor.

"Cyrus" I said gently with my hand on his back

"THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME, NOBOD LIKES ME!!" He screamed

On that note I thought it would be best to leave him on the floor, as he scared me rather a lot.

"Kurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrda!" I sung, poking my head round the door. "I have something for us to try!"

Kurda didn't move.

"LEEK AND POTATO SOUP!" I smiled.

Kurda looked up at me. He was in a right state. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a mess, his clothes soaking (from tears and urine).

"Why don't you go and have a nice bath and get into some warm clothes?" I suggested. Kurda nodded. "And when you come back there will be warm soup waiting for you."

Kurda trundled along to the bath hall (if they were never a bath hall before…THERE IS NOW) and I started on making the soup.

Chop 4 large leeks.

Done…do we really need all this leek?

Chop 1 onion

Why one onion?

Chop 1 small potato

WHAT? One small one…to the huge amount of leek?

Put it in a pan with 1g of butter.

This is so going to turn out strange.

Put one 1mm of water.

1?? 1?? Ok…

Add the vegetables.

There only seems to be leeks in this thing.

And 1mm of stock

Ok…

Serve

WHAT IS THIS THING…ITS JUST A BOWL OF LEEKS. Stupid summer pudding club book…YOU LIED TO ME.

Kurda came back into the room at looked at his bowl of leeks.

"That's your soup there." I laughed. He didn't look happy.

"FINE!" I screamed. "I'll make you some more soup."

Kurda nodded again.

I quickly got a bowl and filled it with water. I then added some bread.

"Enjoy"

"Oh." Kurda frowned. "Thank you."

I smiled at him. But he still frowned.

"Whys yah sad?" I said pondering into his eyes, turning my head and looking at him upside down.

"Mika had an affair with…with…I can't say his name." he said hesitating

I sat down next to Kurda, putting my hand on his shoulder.

"Kurda" I whispered "you can tell me"

He grabbed my hand and took me to his bed and pushed me onto it. He then, somehow climbed on top of me. He caressed me and was slowly bringing down his lips to mine. He kissed me tenderly on the lips.

"Kurda!! What are you doing?" I said while he was still kissing me.

He didn't reply and just carried on and slowly edged his hand down my pants.

"KURDA" I said startled. He pressed his finger to my mouth, telling me to hush.

I went hard.

I clicked my fingers and my clothes were gone, Kurda did the same.

"WOW! You have so much hair" I said feeling slightly inferior.

He giggled.

Kurda grabbed me, turned me round and bent me over…

Twenty minutes later, I was lying in Kurda's arms, he was stroking my hair.

"Kurda you never told me who it was" I pondered.

"I'm sorry young Gav…I'm mean Darren, alas I can not tell you" he smiled.

"It was that Cyrus wasn't it?" I said in anger.

Kurda sighed.

"No it wasn't Cyrus" he said smiling, "but I suppose I should tell you who it is."

"Go on" I pressed him for an answer.

"I'm sorry Darren" he apologized.

"What are you apologizing for?" I asked

He got up, slipped his clothes on and headed for the door.

"Kurda?" I reached out and tried to grab him.

…

"It was Gavner" he said and left.


	9. Chapter 9

I have been thinking - I have become a whore

I have been thinking - I have become a whore. I sleep around. What with sleeping with Larten and now Kurda... I feel so dirty. People stare at me when I walk down the street. Their laughter follows me; their whispers haunt me, as they say to each other: "There is Darren. He is a dirty whore. He has slept with 2 people in his entire life and he is 26 (but has the body of a 14 year old boy.)"

I feel so ashamed.

"DARREN!" screamed one eye down the corridor.

Before I could run away he grabbed my shoulder.

"Do you want some Pringles?" he asked shoving the tube in my face.

"NO I DO NOT, THE PACKAGE IS BATTERED" I screamed.

"Darren..."he started

"What now?"

"That's just the picture of salt" he corrected me.

"Well I don't want any anyway." I huffed. "I am on a diet. I am pear shaped and cannot stand for this. I have thunder thighs, and if I eat anything it will go straight to my bottom."

"But Darren!" Vanez protested.

"WHAT NOW ONE EYE YOU COMPLETE INSENSITIVE IDIOT!" I bellowed, then immediately I felt the strain of the pressure I was under and it all was too much. I burst into tears.

"I... I just think Gavner thinks I'm too fat and that's why he went to that stick insect Mika." I sobbed.

"Darren, Mika is having problems, he has gained 7 stone in the past 2 weeks...But I know what can help you" He beamed, dragging me away.

2 minutes later.

"The games hall? YOU THINK TRAINING WILL HELP ME NOW??" I said in disgust.

"Well your trial is tomorrow"

"I hate training. Why do you think I avoid you? Plus the fact I hate you as well"

"Darren, that's not nice"

"You deserve it, you're obsessed"

"Ok, five laps around the hall, then 1000 push ups and a go on the bars with Arra"

"I'll do it on one condition." I said, realising my power suddenly

"Anything." One eye said, in relief.

"You must... ermm... GO TO THE HALL OF KURTON LURT (or whatever it's called) TO EAT A SPANISH OMLETTE SANDWICH."

"But Darren..." He tried to protest. You see what power I have - I know his fear of Spanish omelette sandwiches (lets be honest - who doesn't fear them? Ashley Phillips that's who! Oh Ashley P... or Shley as I used to call him.)

"BUT..." I continued. "There's' a twist. Not only must you eat this Spanish omelette sandwich, but you must do it NAKED!!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

"Now run one eye, run".

He left, running down the corridor, not speaking to anyone.

THANKGOD.

Now I can do more interesting things like play with a furby like me and Ashley Phillips used to do. He was my first love, I do miss him.

"YOU BOY" shouted a manly woman on some sort of climbing frame.

"Yes man, I mean ma'am"

She gave me evils and stepped off the weird climbing frame thing that hung from the roof and picked me up.

"May I please ask what you are doing?"

"I am challenging you to a duel. Let's go."

"Errrmm... alright." I frowned. I was handed a stick and then Arra started prodding me.

"Stop it!" I shouted, offended.

"Well, it's quite good to say it's a P rej." A voice came from below. I looked down to see Kurda and One Eye (naked and with omelette sandwich in hand... well I never) had entered the hall, in the midst of a strange conversation.

"Kurda!" I shouted. "This weird bitch is poking me!"

"Darren! What are you doing on the bars? You're too young. You'll get hurt."

"I AM 26!"

"A mere child!"

"Well, well if it isn't the blonde bimbo" Interrupted Arra.

Kurda gasped, you could see the hurt in his eye, he just looked like Ashley Phillips when I pushed him into a bush.

"Don't worry Kurda, your beautiful, your fair, your rosy cheeked, your young and innocent, its just what a man would want, especially one from a different country"

"I'm not so innocent after what we got up last night" bah-dum bum chhhhh.

we will continue with card games after this break the voice over woman off channel 4 explained. Thank god for her.

Do you want a good car, then a red polo is the one for you, in winter it may stall, but that's just the coil, but it's quite good to say it's a p-rej. Only £3495 (battery not included)

The thing I love about going on holiday is the lovely cruise on the ship. There's so much choice of food. These are the things you can choose from :

Magnum Mayan Mist

Waffle with no sauce

Spanish Omelette Sandwich

Giant tube of mentos

It's easy to see how balanced your diet can be with these delicious and healthy options of food

Is your furby old and boring?

(Yes shout some random freaky kids)

The Pulling it apart and messing with the circuit boards is the thing to do

(How can we do that?)

With your own pull-apart-a-furbio

(I want one)

Ask your parents to send £4996 in a cream envelope with 7 stamps all parallel to each other and we will send it to you

(YAY)

Omg... so many adverts. I wonder what's on the other channel.

OOOH THE JK SHOW! (This means Jeremy Kyle)

"The DNA results show..." Jeremy was saying "That Kurda...10 minutes later ISNT CYRUS' FATHER!"

Kurda burst into tears at this shocking revelation.

"Darren please stop watching that tedious programme" Kurda groaned. "And come back to reality. I was complaining about how unfair it is for a young whippersnapper like yourself to face Arra sails on the bars."

"You fight her then, I want to see if Larten has been cheating on Arra with myself in the next showing of JK"

"I WILL!"

Jeers came from below. "You'll never beat her Kurda!" etc. Poor Kurda, being taunted in this manner. I decided this might be interesting and I'd already seen this episode of JK so decided to watch.

"Well here I go" said Kurda climbing onto the demented climbing frame thing, which everyone seems to call the bars.

It was really cute watching him clamber onto the bars, as his arms weren't strong enough to pull his body up, in the end naked one eye had to hoist him up.

After 5 minutes, Kurda had won and I also found out that Larten indeed had an affair with me, while he was with Arra.

"YEAH!! I won" he sang while dancing around the manly women who was on the floor.

"Shut up will you AND you..." she said pointing to me "Will you stop calling me manly and stop daydreaming about TV programmes."

"Let's get you up, take my hand" Kurda said offering his hand to manly women.

"NEVER!" she screamed, slapping his hand away. Kurda looked so sad. His eyes started welling up then... he was in tears.

"Don't worry Kurda!" I smiled and came over and laid on the floor then took his hand. But Kurda just rejected my hand and ran out, crying.

Poor Kurda.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10, yeah double figures

Chapter 10, yeah double figures

"Today is the day." Crepsley randomly said at 5 in the morning/night "By the way, you left the light on…again."

"Ughhhhhh go away." I said, pulling the pillow over my head and going back to sleep.

Next Morning

"Did you hear what I said to you this morning, Darren?" Crepsley asked.

"No."

"Oh."

"Alright then."

I left Creps and went to the hall of Kurten lurk/ whatever it's called to get some chips, beans and eggs. I sat down at the table in the corner and started to eat, but I was soon interrupted.

"DARREN" shouted a familiar voice.

"For Christ sake, what do you want, if you want me to do training, I'm not going to do it" I moaned putting a fork full of beans into my mouth.

"That's not what I was going to say." He said, resentfully. I lowered my fork and looked at him expectantly, raising my eyebrows.

"YOUR STALAGMITE TRIAL IS _TODAY!_"

"What." I said in disbelief and anger. "Why didn't you train me!"

"I fucking well tried you cockney bastard!"

"I am from good old Ireland! I am not cockney."

"Sorry."

"So you should be."

"Any who your trial starts in five minutes, we need you to get dressed and down there pronto"

"Cant I just do it naked?" I asked

"NO!" he screamed

After he stopped screaming no, he dragged me by the hand to my room to get dressed. Aww I never finished my chips, beans and egg. While I was getting dressed one-eye explained to me about the trial.

"SO basically I have to walk across a random room full of stalagmites? Omg that sounds EASYYYYYYY YEAH!" I laughed. "Why did you want me to train for _that?_"

"I had to do that trial, Darren. It's much harder than it looks."

"Oh sure it is. Well let's get this over with."

Larten burst into the room and grabbed me by the hand and dragged me down the corridor, to the room that was to have stalagmites.

"Darren, before you start, I just have to say one thing" he said holding both of my hands.

"Yes?" I said looking into his eyes with a smile on my face.

"I… I…" he coughed. "I lo…"

"Darren!" Screamed a girly voice. "I can't believe you have to do this trial when you are but a mere child! It's so unfair! I love you my darling!" and then he gave me a full frontal kiss.

"Oh…" Crepsley muttered, going red. "Oh, I see, well bye then."

"Oh Darren I do hope you're alright!" Kurda sung.

"Kurda since when were we going out?" I said, confused.

"Since we slept together, silly!" he said, camp hand gesture and all.

I gave Kurda a hug and then entered the room.

The room had many weird triangle things hanging from the roof and the floor.

"So what am I meant to do again?" I asked

"YOU MUST REACH THE OTHER SIDE" Boomed an old man, he looked nearly blind.

"Alrighty then"

And with that I clambered onto the nearest triangle thing and started making my way across. The stalactite was slippery and I nearly fell. There were spiky ice things falling from the roof. I felt very scared and wanted to scream but knew this would create vibrations and cause more stalagmites to fall and potentially crush me or send me falling to my death. Yes, I learnt about vibrations in good old science class. Mr Charles was the teacher. I idolised him. I even bought his recent autobiography 'How Crude Oil Saved My Life'. It's a heart warming tale of how his parents got together, had sex and conceived him on the twenty-first of September 1625. I've read it eighteen times already.

Anyway, I was so scared; I couldn't help but shed a tear. I saw the floor miles below and knew I could easily fall and die. Before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out, terrified I would die.

"I jumped onto the next stalactite and quickly dodged a falling stalagmite. It was very action packed and I felt my heart pace rise. I cart-wheeled over the next ones and did a flip to the end. It was so exciting; I wish you could have seen it, Kurda." I said.

"Wow!" Kurda said, clearly impressed. "I wish I could have been there!"

"Darren, could I have a word with you?" said Crepsley entering the room in middle of my tale of how I passed the trial.

"What do you want, oh master?" I said bowing down and kissing his shoe. Creps looked slightly confused.

"Just step outside with me for a minute"

"ALRIGHTYO" I sang, jumping off Kurda's bed and skipped out side to the corridor.

Once out in the corridor, Larten grabbed my hips and pulled me towards him, he pushed back the hair that was in my face and kissed me on the forehead and embraced me. He started crying and then he let go of me and left.

"Anyway, yeah, it was really exciting. I was such a hero." I said to Kurda who had seen the whole thing through the open door anyway.

"Darren…" Kurda whispered. "I think that Larten might love you…"

"Oh pish posh!" I dismissed his comment.

"But Darren." He continued. "If Larten loves you it will break his heart to see us together."

"He did rape me." I said, trying to justify the situation.

"I love you Darren, but if Larten does too…"

"He'll get over me. He has Arra!"

"Oh ok."

I sat closer to Kurda and started to cuddle him.

"Darren" Said someone…I wonder who.

"Yessum?" I said looking around the room and there at the door I saw a head poking around it.

"You have to go the hall of princes to decide your 3rd trial"

"CYRUS" screamed Kurda, shoving me out of his arms. He then ran over to Cyrus and started stroking him like a dog.

"KURDA" he said licking Kurda's face.

"I thought I lost you, I haven't seen you in your basket for days" Kurda beamed scratching behind Cyrus's ear. He then produced a stick and threw it far away. Cyrus looked ecstatic and crawled after the stick, tongue hanging out and panting like… a dog.

Kurda turned to me. "That's just Cyrus my do… assistant." He explained.

"I wonder if Larten views me as a dog too." I wondered out loud.

"Well, most people do. Come on, let's go to the hall of princes."

At that moment Cyrus reappeared, stick in mouth. Kurda patted him and produced a lead.

"Come on, walkies!" Kurda sung. Cyrus jumped up and down.

"Cyrus stay still!" Kurda laughed. "How can I put you on the lead if you keep on jumping?"

He clipped on Cyrus's lead and off we went, when we was nearly half way, Kurda asked me if I wanted a turn, but I turned his offer down, regretting it three seconds later.

"Kurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrda" I sung grabbing his arm.

"Yes?" he asked

"Can I take the dog now…PLEASE" I said with a big cheesy grin.

"Oh…go on then"

And with that I was passed the lead, Cyrus was very hard to control he seemed a bit too excited.

We reached the Hall a bit late because Cyrus kept stopping to sniff everything and he seemed a bit constipated when stopping to do his business, which Kurda cheerfully picked up in a nappy sack and placed in a nearby bin. Then Kurda said that Cyrus wanted to run around and so we should let him off the lead. However he ran off and we had to chase him for a long time indeed. Kurda seemed to think he just wanted to play but I know his game. He wants to make me late to the Hall of Princes!

"Darren!" Paris shouted. "You're an hour late! We've been waiting for you!"

"I'm sorry, it's my fault." Kurda said. "Please don't blame him, he is just a mere child."

"Maybe we should kill Kurda for his insolence" Mika said.

"I'm not having you and Kurda arguing every time we have a meeting, so you can stop it now Mika and go sit in the naughty corner" Paris scolded.

"Fuck you old man" Shouted Mika.

"Can't we just have a normal meeting for once?" Moaned Arrow.

"I'm sorry." Kurda and Mika said simultaneously. It seems neither of them wants to be on the wrong side of Arrow but don't really care about Paris. Interesting.

"Anyway," Paris said, "We are here for Darren to pick his next trial."

"Ughhh!" Shouted a random vampire. "Why do we have to have a whole meeting just for this! I was watching the JK show. I never got to see who the father was."

"Omg!" I shouted. "I love the JK show!"

"Anyway!" Paris shouted. "There are to be no more interruptions. Darren just pick a trial so we can all go."

"Hmmm…" I pondered.

"OUT OF THE HAT, DICK!" screamed Mika.

I was shocked, the hat was green. God don't they know that mauve is the new green. I shoved my hand into the bag and rummaged around.

"We haven't got all day" Moaned Mika once again.

I grabbed a piece of paper and pulled it out of the unstylish hat. The writing was really bad…I think Mr Creps was made to write it.

"The box where fire shoots at you" I read out.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed a vampire.

"KURDA DON'T START!" Shouted Paris.

"Yeah do what the old bitch says" agreed Mika, painting his nails black.

"But Darren is just a boy, you can't expect him to do such a trial"

"Well tough shit Kurda, your boyfriend is doing the box where fire shoots at you trial whether you like it or not" he said blowing on his newly painted nails.

"Kurda?" I said, later that night when we were having sex.

"Yes?" he replied.

"Why did everyone seem so scared about my trial? Is it hard?"

"It's the worst one Darren. You are bound to die."

I felt scared.

"But don't worry. Death is nothing to be scared of."

"Even in Death may I be triumphant!" I shouted, while Kurda thrust.

"Indeed!" he screamed.

There was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" I asked, as once again Kurda thrust.

"Woof"

"The dog wants to sleep with us, Kurda" I sighed.

"Let me just finish then" he said with one last thrust. He then got up and tied a sheet around him and let the dog in.

That night I fell asleep alongside Kurda and Cyrus.


End file.
